Last week I publicly mocked my husband for the extreme paranoia he exhibits every time our kids get the sniffles. A mere four days after posting that article, the tables have been turned and it’s my turn to be mocked.
My five year old woke up in the middle of the night crying that his penis hurt. He actually pointed to the upper left side of his genital area, as opposed to the actual penis. I did a visual check, felt around and, after finding nothing, I changed his nighttime diaper and coaxed him back to sleep. I wouldn’t have been concerned except this was the third time this has happened…in less than 2 weeks. I decided to call the doctor.
When I spoke to the receptionist, I admit I felt rather foolish when she asked what was wrong. “Do you think I should bring him in?” “Oh definitely” she responded so I made an appointment for later that afternoon. Throughout the morning, visions of twisted testicles and complicated medical procedures filled my brain. Could he have prostate cancer or a hernia? Does he even have a prostate yet? Why did she say “Oh definitely???” Dear God, what’s wrong with my little boy???
When we arrived I explained the reason for our visit to the nurse, as she continued to convince my young son that he wouldn’t be getting a shot. I then repeated myself to the doctor a few minutes later. Each time I heard myself explaining my son’s penis pain, I once again felt more and more ridiculous. Why am I here?
To his credit, the doctor took the situation seriously and began his exam. After checking out my son’s junk from top to bottom he found nothing out of the ordinary; no hernia or testicular twisting. Those problems, he told me, would be obvious to the naked eye.
Rather than sending me home with no explanation, he did provide me with his opinion, one he deduced more from being a man and father of a son, than from being a medical professional. His diagnosis: erection.
I laughed out loud. I took my son to the doctor because he had some nighttime wood? How will I live this one down? How can I show my face in this office again? What will I tell my husband?
To be fair, I never would have guessed this was the issue. While my young son has had his share of woodies, most of them while watching “Frozen,” he never expressed pain. To the contrary he always laughed and told me his penis “tickled.” I guess having it wrapped up tightly in a nighttime diaper caused pain? Should I have asked him if was dreaming about Elsa?
The doctor seemed convinced of his diagnosis but did offer me a referral to a Urologist if the pain got worse. I begrudgingly accepted the referral, along with his sympathetic smile, though truthfully I felt like an ass. I guess my mother’s intuition isn’t as spot on as I’d hoped.
I learned two things this week: (1) erections can be painful; and (2) when you publicly mock someone, it will come back to bite you. Karma’s a real bitch.