Halloween Really IS Scary!

Kim Kinziehelicopter parenting, humor, the '70sLeave a Comment

I wrote this piece a year ago for Motif Magazine, so the Ebola reference is no longer timely.  Everything else applies though.  Hope it gives you a good laugh… Halloween is the time of year when it’s fun to be scared. On this year’s quest for all things terrifying, I stumbled across The Halloween Safety Guide. I don’t live in a town tormented by Michael Meyers so I never felt that Halloween was so dangerous it needed its own safety guide. Was I missing something? I had to find out. What a scream! The Halloween Safety Guide did not disappoint. There’s more fear mongering here than the news coverage of the Ebola virus.    Here are some of the invaluable tips this site offers to parents of trick-or-treaters: Check for local sex offenders and make sure your kids stay away from their houses.  Technically every home sort of reeks of pedophilia on Halloween – all those grown-ups luring children to their front doors with the promise of candy. The good news: there is no correlation between Halloween and increased incidents of child abduction. Perhaps it’s because kids travel in small packs and often dress as ghouls or adults, making them unappealing prey for your average child molester. Just a guess… Know the route your child will take and make then check in with … Read More

The “I Wish I Was Invisible” Woman

Kim Kinzieaging, humor, older parents6 Comments

This is the second in a three-part series on aging and motherhood. It all started the day my first son was born. I felt the urge to pee so I stood up to walk to the bathroom. Upon my foot hitting the floor, my bladder released – completely – as I had absolutely no control.   Since no one told me this could happen, I felt no remorse at the large puddle of urine the nurse came in to clean up (a warning would have been nice!) I truly hoped this would not be my new normal. My body has fortunately bounced back in many ways since that day, but the former steel-like control I held over my bladder is gone, and it’ s not coming back. Why just the other day I took my boys to an indoor bounce place.   The urge came upon me, so I made my way to the ladies’ room. Midway I had to sneeze but, since it was the Friday of April vacation, I was slightly exhausted and spacey so I forgot to stop and close my legs. Achoo goes the nose; Swooosh goes the urethra.  Ugh. Time to go, kids! I constantly wet myself. Any cough, sneeze or extreme laughter unaccompanied by a hearty leg cross will result in, at the very least, a large … Read More

Taking Back Mother’s Day: Time to Start Some New Traditions

Kim Kinziehumor, self care8 Comments

I wrote this piece last year for Motif Magazine and it stirred a bit of controversy.  I’m reposting it because I still think the message is important. It’s slightly different (i.e. less offensive) than my original post, but I think I’ve made my point. Hope you like it: Invariably when I ask my fellow moms what they’re doing for Mother’s Day, I receive one of two responses: (1) we’re spending the day with my mother/mother-in-law or (2) we’re going out to brunch/lunch/dinner as a family.  Correct me if I’m wrong but Mother’s Day is supposed to be a celebration of women who are mothering children; to honor their hard work and give them a break. It is not a day to torture these women, right?   Then why, oh why, are they engaging in such dreadful activities? Don’t argue with me here. Please don’t try to tell me that going out for brunch with your family is “fun.” It’s not.   “But” you insist, “my partner made a reservation at my favorite brunch spot. Of course it will be a great day!” Perhaps you’re picturing yourself, dressed in grown-up, party clothes, enjoying a mimosa as you dine on delectable food. You glance over at your partner with a smile of appreciation on your face. You don’t have to cook or clean a thing. He feels smugly satisfied … Read More

Meet the Invisible Woman

Kim Kinzieaging, humor, older parentsLeave a Comment

This is the first in a three-part series on aging and motherhood. Last week a video clip from the Amy Shumer show went viral. It featured some of my favorite middle-aged women -Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Patricia Arquette – discussing the fact that, since they’re in their fifties, they’re now unf**kable by Hollywood standards. I have very sad news for these ladies, however. While Hollywood deems you unf**kable in your 50s, you’ve long outlasted those of us who don’t have access to personal chefs, three-hour fitness training sessions and endless plastic surgical procedures. For the lowly average gal, becoming unf**kable starts much, much earlier. It happened to me in my late ‘30s. After 18 years in Boston, where I could always turn the heads of, at the very least, a construction worker or man in his late 40s, I’d grown quite used to men giving me the once-over. This wasn’t because I was some drop-dead beauty, or wore revealing clothes; I was simply a woman of a youngish age, with a decent enough look. Most men would have done me, because, let’s face it, they’re just not that selective. At 37, however, I moved to Southern California where there’s an abundance of ridiculously gorgeous women in their 20s, traipsing around in a state of semi-dress, baring their perfect tans, fake breasts … Read More

“Conscious Eating”

Dawn Michaelhumor, kids in public, UncategorizedLeave a Comment

I love Chipotle!  It’s my last minute go to dinner place.  I always order the kid’s steak quesadilla meal.  Each time, I’m warned that the steak is the spiciest meat they offer.  “That’s okay, ” I reply, secretly knowing the steak is for me to eat.  What a deal!  I get a complete tasty  and somewhat nutritious meal for a mere $4(wonder if that fits in with Gwyneth Paltrow’s challenge to live on food stamps?) As I wait in line, I stare at the plastic enclosed case of rice(white or brown), beans(pinto or black), and a plethora of meats from chicken to pork to shredded beef.  I ignore the colorful vegetables as they don’t complement my immature food palate.  After making my selections, I side step to the register.  While deciding between apple juice and chocolate milk, I notice the black uniform clad worker gingerly unwrapping the tinfoil off my quesadilla.  “Hey, can you please leave that wrapped?  It will stay warmer that way.”  Apologetically, she responds,  “Sorry, I can’t.  We need to remove all of the foil.”  Thoughts of a burn victim (circa 1998 when McDonalds got sued for failure to warn the coffee was hot) flash through my head.  This wasn’t the case however.  Apparently, some child had eaten the tinfoil and the parents called Chipotle to complain. … Read More

Please Be With You

Kim Kinziehumor, kids in publicLeave a Comment

Throw-back Thursday!  I wrote this piece a few years ago when I took my son (then age 5) to a Catholic Church for the first time.  Since communion season is now upon us, I thought you all might enjoy this read:  Do you take your kids to church? Did you go to church growing up? I grew up Catholic but that didn’t mean we went to church.   We were those “holiday Catholics,” also known as Creasters or CEOs.  Regardless, religion played a large role in my upbringing. My grandfather was a Eucharistic minister and Grand Puba of the Knight’s of Columbus. I received my first communion, was confirmed with the name “Rebecca” (oblivious to the fact that Rebecca is a traditionally a Jewish name – should have been a sign) and my first marriage was conducted by a Catholic priest. I never intentionally ate meat on a Friday during lent, though I was known to forget occasionally…but only with chicken, I swear! At some point, however, the Catholic Church and I had a mutual break-up.  They no longer wanted me due to the fact that I got divorced and had broken every commandment. (Hey, don’t judge me; you probably have too. Read the fine print!).  I, in turn, no longer wanted them.  Between the sex abuse scandal, the opposition to … Read More

Karma’s a Real Bitch

Kim Kinziehumor, Medical issues1 Comment

Last week I publicly mocked my husband for the extreme paranoia he exhibits every time our kids get the sniffles. A mere four days after posting that article, the tables have been turned and it’s my turn to be mocked. My five year old woke up in the middle of the night crying that his penis hurt. He actually pointed to the upper left side of his genital area, as opposed to the actual penis. I did a visual check, felt around and, after finding nothing, I changed his nighttime diaper and coaxed him back to sleep. I wouldn’t have been concerned except this was the third time this has happened…in less than 2 weeks. I decided to call the doctor. When I spoke to the receptionist, I admit I felt rather foolish when she asked what was wrong. “Do you think I should bring him in?” “Oh definitely” she responded so I made an appointment for later that afternoon. Throughout the morning, visions of twisted testicles and complicated medical procedures filled my brain. Could he have prostate cancer or a hernia? Does he even have a prostate yet? Why did she say “Oh definitely???” Dear God, what’s wrong with my little boy??? When we arrived I explained the reason for our visit to the nurse, as she continued to … Read More